We feel really special when “important” people spend time with us. Imagine with me that you were invited to lunch by an “important” person in your life. Maybe it’s your boss, your pastor, or someone famous. You know who they are. Picture that person inviting you to spend time with them. How does it make you feel? Important? Valuable? Significant? … Guess what? That is how your kids feel when you spend intentional time with them. YOU are that important person in their life.
Shocked? It’s easy to forget the impact of a parent. Our kids feel important, valuable, and significant when we put aside everything else in order to hone in on them. You see, our children often form their understanding of what God is like through the way we interact with them. In many ways, their relationship with us shapes how they view their relationship with God. After all, believers are called God’s children. 1 John 3:1 states, “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” Think about it. Often, someone who feels like their parents were too busy for them now struggle with the thought that God is too busy for them. Or someone whose parents were easily angered with them as a child sometimes believe that God is angry with them now. What are your kids learning about God through your relationship with them? Do they know that they are valuable and significant to God? This understanding can start by you showing your children that they are valuable and significant to YOU.
What does this look like? It can look as simple as ten minutes a day. Yep! You heard me right. For ten minutes, I want you to set your phone, chores, and work aside. Give your child your complete undivided attention and follow these three simple steps.
Say: “I’d love to spend ten minutes with you! What do you want to do together?”
Do: Do whatever they want (even if you hate it) for ten minutes with a smile.
Say: “I love spending time with you! I’m so glad we had this time together!”
Warning: Inevitably, your child will sometimes pick a game or activity you can’t stand. It was dolls talking to each other in high pitched voices and building legos for me! Parents, you’ve got this! You can do anything for ten minutes! Don’t be like me…resist organizing the legos! Be present and enjoy your child; you won’t regret it.
Here is a bonus tip that sounds counterintuitive: take credit for time with your child any chance you have opportunity. Now, normally I would not encourage you to take credit for anything, but this is an exception. If you spend any time with your child, make note of it audibly. What I mean is, take the moment to say, “I’m so glad we have this time together, just the two of us. I love spending time with you!” This signals your child to mentally register that fact you are enjoying time with them, even if you are just driving down the road to pick up groceries. It is difficult to overcommunicate to your child that you enjoy them. Ham it up! Tell them often!
At this point you might be thinking, “But I have more than one child. Does this mean I need to spend ten minutes with each of them?” Yes. It is worth it. Find what works for your schedule. If you have a spouse that is on board, you can each spend time with a child at the same time and then rotate until each parent has spent time with each child. Maybe it looks like mom spends ten minutes with a child on certain days and dad on another day. For parents trying this solo, it can help to have a fun activity for your other kids to enjoy while you spend time one on one with another child. It does not have to be legalistic. Just start somewhere.
Without a doubt, this “ten minutes a day” can vary and look different in every stage of your child’s life. Before your child can talk, you can place them in your lap and read books to them or make eye contact while you talk to them. Once they are a toddler, they will start to learn and voice the activities they like and want to do with you. This carries you into the teenage years where the activity might be chatting on a drive to their favorite coffee or ice cream shop! Whatever the activity, the message is the same. “You matter to me and I love spending time with you!”
Am I saying that good parenting only takes ten minutes a day? No, of course not. Your time will still be filled with all the parenting things like discipline, feeding, bathing, and taxi driving, to name a few. However, you will be amazed at how this intentional “ten minutes a day” can transform your relationship with your child.
Try implementing “ten minutes a day” for a few weeks and notice if it makes a difference. Try it even if you are only able to work it in a couple of times a week. Many parents have noticed how these ten minutes lead to less conflict in their relationship with their child. Discipline tends to land a little differently on a child who has assurance that their parent sees them and loves them. Think about how much time and energy conflict sucks out of your life. You might be surprised how much time those ten minutes can save you. Ten minutes today. More time tomorrow!
Parenting is hard. If you find that you are still struggling in your relationship with one or multiple children, we would be honored to navigate the road with you towards a thriving relationship with your child. At Living Water Counseling, we are available virtually in North Carolina or in person at our office in Holly Springs, NC. We offer therapy to adults and children individually, as well as family therapy! Reach out to us anytime at 919-213-1320 or admin@breakfreelwc.com.
